Happy Anniversary!!...and the battle of life goes on

November 3, 2009 marks the 5 year anniversary since I've been home from my mission. WOW! How time flies when you are...living life. 6.5 years ago I started my life on an unknown path. I mean, yes, I knew I was going on a mission and was going to Temple Square, yada yada yada. But, spiritually, psychologically, emotionally, I didn't know where I would end up. During my 18 months of service, I found purpose and meaning for my life. I found a love for people that I never knew I had. I developed a confidence and conviction in my faith that couldn't be shaken or stirred by anyone or anything. I was a Stripling Warrioress! And yes, there were some HARD times. The trials didn't stop just because I was on a mission. But, despite the trials, everyday, I woke up knelt in prayer, put on my nylons (now that takes real commitment), and went out there into the world armed with my name tag that bore Christ name, my Book of Mormon, my faith, and the Holy Spirit, ready to fight which ever battle came my way, despite the battle scars and wounds of trials from pre-mission life and some from mission life. Some wounds had healed and some still were open, bleeding, and reluctant to heal, still needing that Balm of Gilead. And though in my mind I had told myself that I had fought a good fight and it was time to go home, when the battle of the mission was actually over, I found myself NOT wanting to return home. The path that I had started on 1.5 years prior had taken me to a place of spiritual, psychological, and emotional strength. I knew that in returning home, the battle was over...but the war was beginning.
Oh what a war this has been. These past 5 years have brought me my highest highs and my lowest lows. I'm constantly fighting between the wills of where I want to be in life and where the Lord would have me to be. Or better yet, fighting to hold my tongue when people comment on where they think you should be in life as opposed to believing that this IS where the Lord would have you to be. Constantly fighting Satan and his cunning ways and influences on my thoughts and actions. Wrestling between selfishness and service. Kicking and punching to fight off the natural man. Daily fighting to retain just a little bit of that spiritual, psychological, and emotion strength that I had built up during those 18 months of service to the Lord. But sometimes the war becomes so intense that those muscles get fatigued and I just want to give up and give in. But knowing that if I do, those muscles will just atrophy. Constantly pushing and pulling at father time between work, family friends, and other interest. All the while still dressing old scars and gaining new ones, some from others, some self imposed. Tossing between the thoughts of "why me" and "why not me". Boy what I wouldn't give to go back to that battle of mission life.
But, it's all a part of life, I know. I know we are sent here to earth to be tested, yada yada yada. Without trials we couldn't progress, blah blah blah. But I tell you what, I will not complain when this war is over and I can chill in peace with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. It will have been worth the fight.