The Artist in Me

  As I visited with friends, I was reminded in my mind how as a child and young teenager, I was very much into art. Trips to the art museums were my favorite field trips. My absolute favorite time in elementary school was when we had art class. It was always important for me to make whatever we were creating look EXACTLY like the one the art teacher had as an example. My circles had to be perfectly round, edges cut neatly and straight, everything had to be proportional and centered correctly. And my absolute pet peeve...yes, I had one as an adolescent...was excess glue. I could not stand, or understand, when other students would put so much Elmers glue on their small cut out piece of construction paper (e.g. a circle for an eyeball or something like that) and then have the glue oozing from beneath it. Could they not see, or understand, that they only needed a small drop of glue which you could then spread thinly on the back of that piece and place it. And they didn't even have to use their fingers to spread the glue, a simple scrap piece of construction paper worked perfectly for that job, thus leaving your hands and fingers clean so as to not  mess up your beautiful piece of artwork with nasty glue fingers. That's right, I did think about these things as a child. These were the early signs of my OCDism. Those who know me should understand. I digress.
   Now on to junior high. I would draw draw draw. I would spend hours upon hours in my room sketching. Mom worked at a place where she could get free spiral bound paper and she would bring some home to me because I would draw in them like crazy. I would even create huge poster sized drawing of my favorite musical artist and put them on my bedroom wall. They didn't make them as large I wanted them in the Right On or Black Beat magazines (remember those?), so I would make them myself. Times weren't always easy for me growing up so this was very much an escape for me.  
Many times I couldn't go to bed if I was "in the zone." I had to...once again...get whatever I was sketching perfectly right before my mind could rest with ease.  As I honed my talent, I was the go to person in my family whenever anything was needed artistic wise. Even at my junior high school, there was me and one other kid whom would get asked to draw things for school events. Sometimes I would just draw things for my friends as gifts. These reflections moved me to pull out some of my old sketches from when I was a kid. Check these out from the 90's:

This was a little character I liked to draw

Practicing my tagging

Drawing from a picture I had seen probably in a magazine

Drawing of one of the members of one of my favorite groups growing up.
I wasn't good at drawing faces on a small scale so I just didn't draw it.

Another drawing from a picture in a magazine. Decided to work on
drawing facial features.

Sketch of a dancer in plie.

Don't judge!! LOL!!

  It was also during my junior high years that I began to have a greater love for the art of music and dance. I played trombone for my 7th and 8th grade year and fell in love with it. I recall how I used to put on my headphones and not just listen to the lyrics of songs, but to the music in the background...the violins, the saxophones, the bass, etc., and how my heart would swell from the beauty of the sound resonating in my ear. My instrument playing didn't make it past 8th grade until recently. I now, as an adult, am playing the guitar. I am reminded, each time I play, just how much music meant to me in my younger days. I'm also reminded of how much easier it would have been learning music as a kid.
   As for dance, that's where most of my artistic passion landed. My mom had me in tap when I was a very little girl. Didn't last long unfortunately. I remember my black patton leather tap shoes were carried in a small red Dominoes Pizza duffle bag. When I stopped going to tap class, I remember periodically grabbing that bag and looking at the tap shoes wanting so much to put them on again. I did this for many many years as a child. The red bag and too small tap shoes eventually went away, but still, I loved dance. In the summer of my 7th grade year, I had the spectacular opportunity to participate in a dance camp provided by the Alvin Ailey Amercan Dance Theater, one  of the greatest dance companies on the earth. It was there that my affection for dance was sealed and I knew it would always be a part of my life no matter what. The ability to create and communicate through movement astounded me. Beautiful danceing would, and still does, absolutely bring me to tears. For me, its ethereal. I wasn't, and still am not, always good at expressing myself verbally, so dancing gave me another outlet to do that. There is something about the art of dance that puts me in a complete different head space. Sometimes blood, sweat, and tears are literally left on the stage. There is nothing like.
  So why did God  give me such a love for the arts? I don't know. I have sometimes found myself torn between which artistic skill I should focus on. But each artistic venture has enriched and continues to enrich my life in ways that nothing else can. There is a spiritual connection during the creative process when it is used for good. I thank the Lord for these gifts, because gifts they truly are.
Peace
 

What blog?

Wow! Its really been a long time since I've posted anything. I'll update in the near future. Right now, must go to bed.

Happy Anniversary!!...and the battle of life goes on

November 3, 2009 marks the 5 year anniversary since I've been home from my mission. WOW! How time flies when you are...living life. 6.5 years ago I started my life on an unknown path. I mean, yes, I knew I was going on a mission and was going to Temple Square, yada yada yada. But, spiritually, psychologically, emotionally, I didn't know where I would end up. During my 18 months of service, I found purpose and meaning for my life. I found a love for people that I never knew I had. I developed a confidence and conviction in my faith that couldn't be shaken or stirred by anyone or anything. I was a Stripling Warrioress! And yes, there were some HARD times. The trials didn't stop just because I was on a mission. But, despite the trials, everyday, I woke up knelt in prayer, put on my nylons (now that takes real commitment), and went out there into the world armed with my name tag that bore Christ name, my Book of Mormon, my faith, and the Holy Spirit, ready to fight which ever battle came my way, despite the battle scars and wounds of trials from pre-mission life and some from mission life. Some wounds had healed and some still were open, bleeding, and reluctant to heal, still needing that Balm of Gilead. And though in my mind I had told myself that I had fought a good fight and it was time to go home, when the battle of the mission was actually over, I found myself NOT wanting to return home. The path that I had started on 1.5 years prior had taken me to a place of spiritual, psychological, and emotional strength. I knew that in returning home, the battle was over...but the war was beginning.
Oh what a war this has been. These past 5 years have brought me my highest highs and my lowest lows. I'm constantly fighting between the wills of where I want to be in life and where the Lord would have me to be. Or better yet, fighting to hold my tongue when people comment on where they think you should be in life as opposed to believing that this IS where the Lord would have you to be. Constantly fighting Satan and his cunning ways and influences on my thoughts and actions. Wrestling between selfishness and service. Kicking and punching to fight off the natural man. Daily fighting to retain just a little bit of that spiritual, psychological, and emotion strength that I had built up during those 18 months of service to the Lord. But sometimes the war becomes so intense that those muscles get fatigued and I just want to give up and give in. But knowing that if I do, those muscles will just atrophy. Constantly pushing and pulling at father time between work, family friends, and other interest. All the while still dressing old scars and gaining new ones, some from others, some self imposed. Tossing between the thoughts of "why me" and "why not me". Boy what I wouldn't give to go back to that battle of mission life.
But, it's all a part of life, I know. I know we are sent here to earth to be tested, yada yada yada. Without trials we couldn't progress, blah blah blah. But I tell you what, I will not complain when this war is over and I can chill in peace with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. It will have been worth the fight.

"This Is It"... I don't think so

Oh, boy. I am so excited to see Michael Jackson's "This Is It" film. I got my tickets and I am ready to get my boogie on. I never had the privilege to see him life (we were po' folks, and still are) and I unfortunately never will. So this is as close as I'll get. I know, some may think its stupid, crazy...whatever. But guess what...I DON'T CARE! Call him what you want, this man was a genius as a performer! No other artist has inspired me as an artist more than MJ. Was he perfect, no. Did have issues, yes. But who doesn't. Unfortunately for him, his were displayed and criticized on every tabloid and news magazine show. In the words of my friend Sandra, "don't judge."
You see for me, it started in the womb...no really, it did. I asked my mom if she would play the Jacksons when she was pregnant with me and she did. Actually it started before I was even thought of. She loved the Jacksons and had a crush on Jermaine. You can thank her for my obsession. From the time I was a little girl, it was all about MJ. My mom has childhood photos of me with my MJ t-shirt on. It was no doubt my favorite. I can't think of a time in my life when I wasn't just fascinated by his artistry. Just think about this, any time an MJ song comes on, the only way to dance to that song is to dance like MJ. For you who are reading this, you know as soon as you hear that first beat you immediately want to ATTEMPT to spin and stand on your toes or TRY to moonwalk. Its an inevitable force. Don't deny it! How did he do it? What other artist has that kind of power and influence?
I remember back in the day when his videos would be the "Special Presentation" during primetime TV. It was always an event. We would call our friends and family up to make sure that they were in front of their TV's and tuned in to the right chanel on time because MJ would be on in 5 0r 10 minutes. Nobody talked during the showing of the videos. We would just revel in the moment, watching the master at work. After it was over, the phone would start ringing and there would be discussion of how amazing his new video was. And of course it was the talk of school the next day.
My younger brother and I used to have MJ nights. Sometimes I initiated it, sometimes he did. We would pop in my VHS of his videos and dance and sing the night away. What fun that was.
MJ has always been and will always be a part of my life. No, I don't worship the man, because he was just that, a man. God only! But I will always respect and remember him as someone who made me dance, made me sing, made me want to aspire to be the best at whatever I did, just as he was the best at what he did.
This is not it for MJ. His legacy lives on. He will continue to inspire generations to come and will continue to be the pinnacle that many artist will aspire to. He will continue to be an example of someone who reached beyond the familiarity of his people and embraced people of all races, nationalities, and ethnicities. This is one of the things I loved about MJ the most. You know how some people are really committed to their faith, and they will attest to you "I was born a ___, and I'll die a ____." Well, I attest that I was born an MJ fan, and I'll die an MJ fan. Nuff said.

Sandra, this post is for you! Hope you enjoyed it.

Love,
Ernie

I Choose...

I love music! I am not very good at expressing my own thoughts so a lot of times I find that the words to a song explains them better. A special thanks to India.Arie for these words:

Here I am now looking at 30 and I got so much to say
Gotta get this off of my chest, gotta let it go today
I was always too concerned about what everybody would think
But I can't live for everybody, I gotta live my life for me
I've reached a fork in the road of my life where,
ain't nothing gonna happen unless I decide

I choose, to be the best that I can be
I choose, to be authentic in everything I do
My past don't dictate who I am...
I choose

I done been through some painful things, I thought that I would never make it through
Filled up with shame from the top of my head to the soles of my shoes
I've put myself in so many chaotic circumstances
But by the grace of God I've been given so many second chances

But today I've decided to let it all go
I'm dropping these bags I'm making room for my joy...

Because you never know where life is gonna take ya and you can't change where you've been
So today, I'll take the opportunity to choose
Release the guilt about why things happened the way they did 'cause life is gonna do what it do
So today, I'll take the opportunity to choose

From this day forward I'm going to be exactly who I am
I don't need change the way that I live just to get a man, no
I even had a talk with my mama and I told her the day I'm grown
This day forward every decision that I make will be my own

'Cause I choose...

Maxwells Wise Words - My Random Thoughts

Time will bring the real end of our trial
One there'll be no remnants, no trace, no residual
No feelings within ya
One day you won't remember me

Your face will be the reason I smile
But I will not see what I cannot have forever
I'll always love ya
I hope you feel the same

Hello Blogger World

Well, I've been assimilated into the Blogger Nation. This will be interesting. I warn you. My blogs may cause moments of bafflement, confusion, and brief moments of cognitive interruptions. Huh? What?......
See, its beginning already, isn't it...