What's In Store for 2014?

     Well, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! I made it through 2013 with hardly any scars and my journey continues on to get into vet school. The fall semester started off kind of rough though. I was taking organic chemistry II at Southwest and that was a bust. Actually, the Lord was with me through all of the drama by connecting me with the right person, learning about an option to take the class online which allowed me to drop the class at Southwest, and blessing me with the time, faith, diligence, and patience so that I could make an A-. WHAT? Another A in chemistry? A girl had to shout some praises when I saw that. A to the MEN! This, no doubt, is the biggest goal that I have ever set in my life. So much time, money, and prayers have been invested in this. But, sometimes, this is what it takes to make dreams come true. Next...on to biochemistry. Eeeek!
    I will say, from August through October, things were a little challenging. There was the GRE (I'm not good at standardized test), dealing with my class drama as I just mentioned above, figuring out what vet schools I was going to apply to, and then the application process (which was so tedious, stressful and e-x-p-e-n-s-i-v-e). There were other things too but, regardless, I survived. I applied to 3 schools. 2 of them I got rejected by but 1, The University of Tennessee College of Veterinary Medicine, has granted me an interview. It's on Jan. 23rd. All prayers are welcomed. Thanks in advance.
   On a different note, today, Jan 4, marks the 1 year anniversary of my niece's heart surgery. This time has gone by so fast. Though all of us as her family (and those who are like family) are Christian praying people, we were all still nervous. The morning of her surgery, my mom and I were at the hospital super early so that we could be with her before we went to work. Those of us who were there had a prayer together before they took her to prepare for her surgery. As I left the hospital room, tears filled my eyes. To think of my niece, my baby girl, being taken from us was unimaginable. Modern medicine is so amazing though and the technology that we have now to aid in the process of fixing our sometimes broken bodies is astounding. Here we are a year later to see her growing, laughing, playing, walking (trying to run..LOL), and most importantly DANCING! She still has a hole in her heart that they didn't close (they closed up 3) and are hoping that it will heal on its on. I have all of the faith in the world that God will make her whole.
    Never in my life have I loved someone so deeply as I do my niece. I didn't know I was capable of it. She is not my child, but she may be as close as I'll get to having one. And I'm cool with that. So I absolutely cherish her with all my heart. And as her aunt (her favorite one nonetheless) I will always be there for her no matter what. The hardest part of being in vet school will no doubt be not being close to my niece. So, Skype...here I come!

A Daddy's Girl

    

Ok, things are about to get really real right now. Yesterday, Dec. 6, marks the 24th anniversary of my father, Earnest Richard McCoy, dying. It was the evening of Dec. 7th, 1989 that my mom came into my bedroom and told me that my dad had been found dead the night before. He was shot by someone who robbed him while he was at the automotive shop that he owned. A mutual friend of his and my mom had come over the night before and told her. I remember feeling so hurt and such sadness as I had never felt before. My mom hugged me so tightly as I cried. I don't think I slept much that night, if at all. I remember wishing that I could go find whomever had done this and kill them the way that they had killed my father.  It's hard to handle such pain as a 10 year old. It's hard to handle such pain as an adult. My mom sent me to school the next day with a note explaining the situation. I recall the teacher taking me into the hall and asking me if I was OK. I wanted soo badly to burst into tears, but with a lump in my throat, I just said that I was OK and went back into the classroom.
     To this day, I miss my dad. My mom and dad were never married so I actually didn't see him a lot. But the time that I did have with him I always cherished. I was a daddy's girl. I loved him so much in spite of not seeing him often as I would have liked. My brother Richard was 5 when all of this happened and unfortunately he didn't get to develop a relationship with our dad. My mom had married our step-dad so this was the father figure he had. But just as I, my brother has never had a close relationship with him so anytime he had questions about our dad I tried to tell him what little I knew.
     Not including my brother Richard, my dad has 3 other children. I have an older brother named Bryan, an older sister named Felicia (they have the same mom), as well as a younger brother named Earnest. It's only with Bryan that I have ever had any kind of relationship with. After not being in touch with Bryan since I was about 13, I did some searching and finally located him last year and we have been in touch ever since. He had moved from Kansas City and now resides in Delaware.
     My brother Bryan has been my only link to our dad's side of the family, the McCoy's. My hope and prayer is that through him I can connect with them and get to know them. For the longest time I've desired a more holistic since of who I am. My whole life I've really only known my moms side of the family. To meet them would put me on the path to knowing more about who I am and where I come from. Some might ask, after all this time, why not just leave well enough alone? Why open that door? You might not like what's behind it. Well, good or bad, the McCoy family is part of who I am. And most importantly, it gets me closer to fulfilling my obligation to my ancestors to do their ordinance work.
    Those who took my dads life did't realize the eternal consequences of their actions. The chain that linked me to my dads family was broken, and it would be many years before that connection would be re-established. Children had lost their dad, a wife had lost her husband, and those McCoy's who came before would have their opportunity to receive the Gospel delayed.
   So now, at 34, I find myself attempting to build that bridge between myself and the McCoys. For those still living, it may be awkward but that's ok. I don't even know how many of them are aware of my brother and my existence, so to some it may be a surprise. But, for my own sense of self, its important that I do what I can to connect with my family.
    To all the daddy's girls, keep telling your dad's you love them. If you have a good father, show him you appreciate all that he does, for you never know when he may be gone. Love you DAD.

What a Year!

  So, it's no surprise that it has been almost a year since I last posted anything. But, since things have slowed down briefly for me just a bit, I figured it's time to give an update on what's been going on. Last year both of my best friends got married, one in May and one in September. I love my friends, don't get me wrong, but that put quite the toll on the wallet being that I was in both weddings and had to travel for both weddings as well. The good thing is that I didn't have to pay for housing. But, I made it through and survived all the questioning of "when are you gonna get married." People, please just let me be. I mean really, as though I have some magic eight ball that I can shake and it gives me the date, time, and location of every major event that would happen in my life. Geez.
Anyway.
  In October I got the surprise of a lifetime. My brother informed me that he was expecting a child...and it was due in December! WHAT THE...!!! I won't get into the details of the situation but just know that my niece, Makayla Renae Hayes, came a little earlier than expected. She was born on November 7th and has no doubt stolen my heart. She was born with holes in her heart and other complications but she has since had surgery and is growing fast into a happy healthy little girl. She is the most gorgeous little thing on this earth...like really...no joke. But, then again, she is a Hayes, LOL! For New Year's I went to Florida and I could not stop shopping for her. I couldn't help myself! She will no doubt be spoiled by me, especially since this could possibly be the closest that I will get to having a kid. I'll just have to be the cool aunt who gets her whatever she wants. We've all had one of those. Hahaha!
  Now backtracking a bit, last year at about this time, I made a decision that put me on a path to pursuing my lifelong dream. I decided to go back to school and complete my prereq's to attend vet school. This was not a decision made on a whim, but truly was impressed upon me by the Lord through his Spirit that this what I was to do. I always know when the Lord wants me to do something because my initial response to the prompting is usually the opposite of the Lord's will for me. This was no different. I guess I'm kind of bull-headed that way. It's the Taurus in me, what can I say. Even though I have wanted to be a veterinarian since childhood, and initially took the steps to do so while in undergrad, I gave up on myself, lost faith (thanks to organic chemistry), and just took the easy road so that I could hurry and graduate from college. So, here I stood at 33 years old, and the Lord is telling me to move forward in pursuing my dreams. I rationaled all of the reasons why this is NOT a good idea (1. I'm 33, 2. I will accumulate a mound of student loan debt, 3. I will have to take organic chemistry AGAIN, the bain of my existence, 4. I'll be like 35 starting vet school should I get in and 39 getting out, 5. The job market for veterinarians is not very good right now, so I don't know if I'd even have a job upon graduating 6. At a time when I should be focusing on saving for retirement I will be taking out loans to survive. 7. I'd be leaving a stable job with benefits for student life, etc.) Needless to say, this decision to go to vet school doesn't appear to be a wise decision in my mind. Nevertheless, I am following the Lord.  I had a conversation with the Lord that if He wants me to do this, He would have to be there with me every step of the way to help me get through this because I could not do this on my own and I am completely trusting in Him. I made a promise to the Lord that no matter what, I would not study on Sundays. I would honor His Sabbath so as to keep myself worthy of His Spirit which I knew I would need to make it through school. I thus took the steps to get myself enrolled for the fall semester. My brain is not as young as it used to be so I knew that this would not be easy. I also knew that I would likely have to give up what I loved doing most...dancing.
  Well, as hard as I tried to hold on to being superwoman by doing it all...school, dancing (which included performing, practices, and trying to manage the group at the time), work (for which I had to adjust my schedule to accommodate classes), & church callings...I about drove myself insane. The stress and pressure of trying to do it all left me in a not so good place. I had to sacrifice dancing all together as well as drop one of my classes in order to regain some since of sanity in my life. I thankfully managed to go on and have a successful fall semester.
What I failed to mention about making this decision to go to vet school is that, because taking classes would effect my job, I needed to tell my boss about my decision. When I told him about it he was surprised but still very supportive. As mentioned above he allowed me to adjust my work schedule (coming in earlier and working later) to attend my classes. Not only him, but all of my UT team that I made aware of my decision have been very supportive and accommodating. I am very grateful for them. I did not tell everyone about what I was doing (not even all of my family knows) because everyone is not for you and I truly believe that the devil will put people in your path to try to pull you down. Plus, I was afraid that I would decide to change my mind about this whole thing, and I didn't want everyone knowing that I gave up...again. I know, I know, where is my faith.
  The winter break finally came and gave me time to catch my breath, reconnect with family and friends (school was my life) and get things in order for the Spring semester.
  The time for enrollment for Spring classes came and here I faced a challenge. I needed to take organic chemistry...again. Ahhhhh. Well, I go to enroll and what do I find...the class is offered at a horrible time of the day for me AND it's full! What am I to do? I need this class! I can't move on to the next class until I take this one. I really am hating organic more and more. Since the class is full I had to contact the professor to get a permit to enroll in the class. I did just that and thankfully I got the permit. When I go to register for the class I see that they have opened a second organic chemistry class at a later time that works perfectly for my schedule. I couldn't believe it. It was at that moment that I knew that the Lord was working this thing out for me. It helped to confirm to me that I was on the right path. There would be no changing my mind.
  Well, the semester starts. I made organic chemistry the only class that I would take for the spring so to be able to focus all of my energy and brainpower to this course. I made it a personal goal to not only pass this class but to make an A in this class. That sounds ridiculous because 1. its organic chemistry and 2. I had already taken it twice before making a D and a C. But, I once again had a conversation with the Lord that I would do my part and all that was in my power to study and stay worthy of His spirit if He could just make up the difference and help me reach my goal. Let me just say that I kept my promise and the Lord kept His. I ended up really enjoying organic chemistry...who would have thought. The class was so interesting and actually kind of fun for me. The class was not nearly as hard as I remembered it being...not that it was a piece of cake. I knew that the Lords hand was in this when I got my first test back and I had made an A. Was I the same person who looked at this class as the bain of her existence? No one can tell me that the Lord, through His Spirit, did not open my mind and understanding. Well, the end of the semester came and I had the priviledge of taking my final on my 34th birthday. What a birthday present. I'm here to tell you though that I got that A in organic chemistry! When I saw my final grade I shed tears because that "A" represented more that just a letter grade. That "A" represented my faith in the Lord and His blessings, it represented a renewed faith and belief in myself that I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me, it once again showed that I am on the right path...though scary and uncertain it may feel. I felt like David who had just conquered Goliath. It was this very class that had altered my future over 10 years ago and I allowed it to keep me from fulfilling my dreams. I had now overcome it.
  So, here I am on this journey to becoming what the Lord would have me to be. I don't worry about people telling me they gotta find me a husband or telling me that I'll never find one if I don't slow down or any of the other things that people feel it's OK to say to you when you are beyond a certain age and still single and/or without children. I wish people would open their eyes and realize that everone's life isn't cut from the same mold. I am my own unique person and my life isn't of any less value because of my single status. There is much that people don't know about my life...the trials that I have been through and continue to go through, the unspoken blessings, the personal revelation and guidance that I have received from the Lord. And quite frankly, these are sacred things to me that not everyone needs to or should know. All I know is that, I know that I am exactly where the Lord wants and needs me to be. He has proven it to me time and time again. And that is ALL that matters and ALL I need to be happy in this life. To everything there is a time and season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven (Ecclesiastes 3:1).

Until next time
Peace & Love
Ernie

The Beast Within

Every once in a while something or someone comes along that makes you think. It breaks down one of the many walls that you have built within. Not so much to expose some vulnerability you have but rather to allow you to think deeper, to exercise your mind and think freely, beyond the superficiality of what that something or someone means.
I saw a movie last night titled "Beasts of the Southern Wild." This movie did just that for me. It takes you into the lives of a group of people living in the "Bathtub" bayou of Louisiana. They live in abject poverty in a way that no one reading this likely will ever understand (nor wish to). It's main characters are a 6 year old girl named Hushpuppy (the eyes through whom the story is told) and her father named Wink. As the film follows their relationship, how they and others of the "Bathtub" deal with the tragedy that befalls them, and their philosophies on life, you leave the theater evaluating your own, identifying your personal "aurochs".  These are my reflections shared in poetic prose.



The beasts stampede

Full speed ahead

Beneath their hooves

Unrelentlessly

Destroying the ground

That I've planted seeds

Cultivated

Massive in size and effect 

The herd

Went unheard

Unexpectedly approaching

Life. Love. Dance. Dreams

Hoofprints serve

As evidence of

Aurochs past presence

They now return

Fear. Pain. Dismay. Surrender.

Strength having escaped me

Weak, jaded

I lay with ear to the ground

I hear them now

The sound of thunder resonates

From the earth

I hear them now

I rise to my feet

The dust

Caused by the pounding of auroch hooves

Against the earth

Precedes them

Having been blown by the wind

Introducing their swift arrival

I stand

Anticipating the herd

Any moment now

Ready to go

Beasts to beast

By: Ernestine Hayes

The Dancing Old Lady

    As I am recovering from a stomach virus, I figure this is as good a time as any to update my blog since I'm home in bed. Thursday evening signs of having contracted a stomach virus started to show itself. I became so nauseated and from about 9:30 pm, every 45 minutes to an hour I had it coming out of one end or the other. Absolutely disgusting. I was miserable. I was so weak and fatigued mom was considering taking me to the ER because I was dehydrated but I said a prayer and tried to garner the strength to drink as much fluids as I could. I stayed in bed all day Friday. I don't think I've slept that much in my life. I think my dog felt bad for me too. She curled up in the bed next to me and stayed there all night Friday. I love my baby girl Keira! I thankfully feel better now but still am not 100%. I don't wish this on anyone.

No doubt the coolest dog on the planet

    Anyway, I have been pretty busy dancing with Hybrid and NuBreed. This month is full of performances and rehearsals so it was definitely bad timing for me to get sick.  Missing 2 practices makes a huge difference, especially for me since my brain isn't as young as those with whom I dance. Speaking of, I must share a couple of instances with the kids (as I like to call them). One evening I had a couple of the girls riding with me to a performance in AR. As we were talking she asked how old I was and once I told her I was 32 she was surprised I was "that old" and then went on to say that I could be friends with her mom. WOW! Really! Another time I had a car full of the kids one of them went on to say that she hopes that when she gets old she can still dance "you know, like, Ernestine". What?! She immediately started back pedaling. LOL! Both of these were 17 year old teenagers. Gotta love it. I'm glad to know that I am seen as the old lady that can still dance and be friends with their mothers. Hahaha. It could be worse.
 

Everything Fresh for 2012...Happy New Year!

Bringing in 2012 with HPG

Wrapping up 2011

   Oh boy, my life has been crazy busy. Ever since I returned to dancing, I feel like its been non-stop. Last month it was redoing the bathroom on top of dance rehearsals on top of ward missionary responsibilities on top of visiting teaching (which got severely neglected) on top of whatever unexpected occurrences could come my way. This month, I don't have the bathroom to redo, but there is double the dance rehearsals, scheduled dance performances, plus the other things previously mentioned added to the inconvenience of having a car wreck (with someone who didn't have insurance of course to cover my damages), and trying to get ready to go out of town for Christmas. I have been literally coming in from work, changing my clothes, and heading back out the door, getting home between 8:30 or 9pm, eating dinner, then going to bed to get up and do it all again the next day. My poor bedroom has been neglected...and all who know me knows I'm a bit of a neat freak. Laundry's been left in the baskets, but at least its clean. But all in all, life is good. Perfect...far from.

My poor little girl Onyx all battered and bruised...she's getting fixed though.
I am grateful that mom and I were OK.

    Though dancing is absolutely wearing me out, its exhilarating too. I don't think I've danced this much in my life. Not even when I was in college did I dance to this extent. Being the oldest person in the group that I dance with (Hybrid Production Group aka HPG), its been a challenge keeping up with these young folks (physically and mentally), but I'm hanging in there. And though I am exhausted a lot of the time from dancing, there is a joy that I can't get from doing anything else. Here's some of what we've been working on. These dances were performed Dec. 16 at the Out Loud Artistry Christmas party. The persons voice in the background (other than my mothers) is Robin Sanders (the one in front with the dreads in the first video), the artistic director of OLA, which includes HPG and New Breed (the group of younger dancers up to age 18). I absolutely had a blast performing again!

    So, that's my life as I wrap up 2011. There are still a few more thing planned before the end of the year. But, I will face them as they come. Have a very Merry Christmas and remember that the real reason for celebration is our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

My Attempt at Home Improvements

  So, about 2 months before Thanksgiving, I decided to take on the task of redoing the guest bathroom in my parents home. Of course it started off as a small project. The wallpaper that had been painted over started to peel away from the wall in various places near the shower so I figured that I would just remove it and paint the walls. Wellllllll......that process turned out to be a bit more arduous than expected. As I began to remove the wallpaper, the top layer of the gypsum board tore away as well in quite a few places. I knew this couldn't be a good thing. Even in using wallpaper remover, this continued to happen. My initial thought was, "well, I will just redo the side of the bathroom with the shower." Welllllll....In the other part of the bathroom there was border paper that was peeling away and as that was being removed, results were the same as the other side. This led me to decide to remove all of the wallpaper instead of doing half of a job. I purchased one of those wallpaper scorers that's supposed to create little holes in the wallpaper that allow the remover to penetrate through and make the process simple and painless. Boooooo!!! Maybe if the wallpaper hadn't been painted over a couple of times that would have been the case. 

What did I get myself into?

 I took to doing much research as to how to fix my "little" problem and that's when I learned that I would have to become a spackling fool. First I had to buy special sealant that made the gypsum board nonporous where the brown paper was exposed. Little did I know that this project would become so expensive. Then I started my attempt to smooth out the walls. Oh boy!! I want to send a special shout out to Youtube and all of the other video posters that helped me to become the spackler that I am today. LOL!! I bought some joint compound that went on pink and dried white. This helped a lot.

Next came the messiest part of it all....the sanding.  I was warned about this so there was no surprise in the mess that was made.  I decided it was best to just buy a palm sander rather than use the one I borrowed from a co-worker...in case I burned the motor out or something. I was literally enshrouded in a cloud of dust.

 Next came the painting of the walls. I decided to do a faux finish on the wall by sponging it. Once again, thank you to online videos. Of course, being the OCD person that I sometimes am, I couldn't stop at the walls. A new light fixture and mirror had to be put in as well as new electric socket and light switch covers to make the job complete. So after many late nights of hard work, trips to Lowe's and Ace Hardware, and a nice whole in my pocket, the project was completed in the wee hours of Thanksgiving morning.

Yep, just call me Ernie "The Tool Woman" Hayes. LOL!!!

Waiting on the Lord

"I will wait...for you" by Janette...ikz

Girl......you better speak that word!!

Rhetorical question: Do you flirt with the ideology of "Can you just tell me how much I can get away with and still be saved?"

Oh...gotta love being a black Mormon

This blog post says it all. Click on the link below image.

http://www.sistasinzion.com/2011/04/diary-of-mad-black-mormon.html

So, between last night and today, I've had a few moments of insight. It's things that I already know, but, have been reminded or made more conscious of. Here we go:

1. So, why is it that when you resolve to do better, be better, try harder in certain areas of your life, that's when the challenges come in abundance. It's only been a few days since I decided to take on this challenge to change and be more cognizant of what I say and what I do, and how that effects things around me. Oh boy, let me tell ya, I think the master of all evil read my post and said, "Oh really. You want to try to be better, huh? Well let me show you how weak you really are." At that point I think he released all of his little minions and instructed them to jump on my back. It's not easy shaking those little devils off, and I know they are going to keep on working to have a hold on me, just as hard, if not harder as I am working to fend them off. The fact that this is the case lets me know that I am doing something right. The revolution continues.

2. It is said that the Lord speaks to us through the scriptures. I know this to be a true principle as I have experienced this many times in my life. Last night I opened the scriptures, letting them fall where they may, and the scripture that layed before me was Galatians chapter 6. There were many things said in that chapter that related to me and my current mindset. The verse that truly brought it home to me was verse 9: And let us not be weary in well doing: for in due season we shall reap, if we faint not. There are so many times that I am so exhausted and I truly do feel like I could faint, and the Lord know this. I have to thank Him for placing this scripture before me, giving me the strength to press forward and continue on, and the wisdom to realize that the due season for me to reap, may not be in this life, but in the eternities.

 3. The other couple of thoughts came from relief society today. The topic was priesthood power, and the reference was from a talk, of the same title, given by President Monson during the priesthood session of April general conference. Part of the discussion was about how we live in an "almost anything goes" society. So the question was posed to us of what areas in our life can (or does) anything go? We have become so lenient in our morals as a society that we allow little things to slip by. This is an all inclusive WE. I won't go into any details about what areas I reflected upon for myself that needs to be adjusted, but just know that I do recognize that there are areas that need change. Another rung on my personal revolution ladder.
     The other comment given was how society does not give men the praise and respect that they deserve or need to help them to be men. In the home, are they truly being respected by their wives, or are they just looked upon as the person to go out, make the money, and bring it home? Is their counsel truly considered and taken or does the wife just feel that she knows best and knows how to make decisions that get and keep the home functioning smoothly,thus, not needing his help in doing this? In todays world, men are so often belittled, and thought of as a hinderance to womens progression and advancement in the world. They are told that they are not needed, thus they don't step up to the plate and take their proper place in the home or society and as a result does not reach their full potential. I believe that because the lack of respect for men has gone on for so long, they have lost respect for women. Just click on the TV for a second or turn on the radio...you will get my drift. When you have no feeling of  self worth, you have no respect for yourself, thus, how can you give something that you don't have. Women need to help men to see that they do matter, they are needed, and that we do need them. Now don't get me wrong, they need us too. We are to be equal partners with them and work as a team (as one of the sisters put it today).
     I sometimes question myself as to, if I should get married, will I be able to give my husband the full respect that he deserves? Being single for 32 years, set in my ways, and having a mother who is all about taking care of things yourself  (if it is in your power) and not waiting on someone (particularly a man) to do things for you, I have tackled many challenges and handled many things on my own...some things that might be labeled a man's job. So it would definitely take some adjusting for me to relinquish some of my will and to compromise. It is at these moments of thought that I say to myself that I am not ready for the marriage thing because I want things my way way too much. LOL!

4. Lastly, I was reading a friends blog and she mentioned the scripture in The Book of Mormon from the book of Ether. The particular chapter and verse is Ether 12:27: And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. As I have commited myself to work towards change, metamorphosis as mentioned before, my weaknesses have most definitely been laid out before me...and I feel like magnified as well. As I continue to fight this revolutionary war for self improvement, I pray that I will be humble enough to know that I can't fight this battle and make these changes on my own. The Lord has promised to help. Until next time. Peace and Love.

7 years and some change...

   Today, November 3, 2011, marks another year for my return home from my mission. I read the blog post I wrote a couple of years ago on this same day, and pretty much, not much has changed with me. That can't be a good thing. Tonight, I looked through my pictures from my mission and smiled and laughed at the memories that came flooding back into my mind as I was reminded of people, places, and experiences that were had. As we were united in our service to the Lord on Temple Square, I believe that forever bonds were made between us Sisters and senior couples. There is also a spiritual bond with the grounds of Temple Square itself. What a sacred place it is. I was able to visit SLC with mom during General Conference last month. As I spoke with the Sisters, I saw myself in them. That was me 7 years ago. Seeking, teaching, and fellowshipping with those who came to the Square. Testifying with boldness of what I knew to be true. Inviting others to come unto Christ or to share the Gospel with those they knew so that they might come unto Christ. So what about now?
   Now, these days, I am finding myself being reflective of times passed...my adolescent and teenage years, my college days, my mission. My experiences during these times in my life molded me into who I am today...though that may not be saying much, LOL! There is happiness and joy to be found in remembrances of the past. But, fo' real tho', its time to make new memories. It's time to crack that mold of the past and to take on a new better form. In spirit, thought, word, and deed, its time to put on the mantle of greatness that the Lord has prepared for me from the beginning. And by the way, we, as children of God, have divinity within us. We ALL are meant for greatness! I don't know the answers as to how I am going to do this, but I will start one small step at a time making changes in my life. I will become more conscious of my spirit, thoughts, words, and deeds and make efforts to have a positive effect on those around me and emit positive energy into the universe. There is enough negativity going around, I don't need to add to that bucket. I will ask "what reaction might my action produce?"
    I will admit, I have lost a bit of that spiritual fire and awareness I gained on my mission, but I hope to rekindle the fire and put myself in a place where the Lord can use and depend on me...where He can fully TRUST me. It's time for a revolution, it's time for a change. Metamorphosis begin!

The Artist in Me

  As I visited with friends, I was reminded in my mind how as a child and young teenager, I was very much into art. Trips to the art museums were my favorite field trips. My absolute favorite time in elementary school was when we had art class. It was always important for me to make whatever we were creating look EXACTLY like the one the art teacher had as an example. My circles had to be perfectly round, edges cut neatly and straight, everything had to be proportional and centered correctly. And my absolute pet peeve...yes, I had one as an adolescent...was excess glue. I could not stand, or understand, when other students would put so much Elmers glue on their small cut out piece of construction paper (e.g. a circle for an eyeball or something like that) and then have the glue oozing from beneath it. Could they not see, or understand, that they only needed a small drop of glue which you could then spread thinly on the back of that piece and place it. And they didn't even have to use their fingers to spread the glue, a simple scrap piece of construction paper worked perfectly for that job, thus leaving your hands and fingers clean so as to not  mess up your beautiful piece of artwork with nasty glue fingers. That's right, I did think about these things as a child. These were the early signs of my OCDism. Those who know me should understand. I digress.
   Now on to junior high. I would draw draw draw. I would spend hours upon hours in my room sketching. Mom worked at a place where she could get free spiral bound paper and she would bring some home to me because I would draw in them like crazy. I would even create huge poster sized drawing of my favorite musical artist and put them on my bedroom wall. They didn't make them as large I wanted them in the Right On or Black Beat magazines (remember those?), so I would make them myself. Times weren't always easy for me growing up so this was very much an escape for me.  
Many times I couldn't go to bed if I was "in the zone." I had to...once again...get whatever I was sketching perfectly right before my mind could rest with ease.  As I honed my talent, I was the go to person in my family whenever anything was needed artistic wise. Even at my junior high school, there was me and one other kid whom would get asked to draw things for school events. Sometimes I would just draw things for my friends as gifts. These reflections moved me to pull out some of my old sketches from when I was a kid. Check these out from the 90's:

This was a little character I liked to draw

Practicing my tagging

Drawing from a picture I had seen probably in a magazine

Drawing of one of the members of one of my favorite groups growing up.
I wasn't good at drawing faces on a small scale so I just didn't draw it.

Another drawing from a picture in a magazine. Decided to work on
drawing facial features.

Sketch of a dancer in plie.

Don't judge!! LOL!!

  It was also during my junior high years that I began to have a greater love for the art of music and dance. I played trombone for my 7th and 8th grade year and fell in love with it. I recall how I used to put on my headphones and not just listen to the lyrics of songs, but to the music in the background...the violins, the saxophones, the bass, etc., and how my heart would swell from the beauty of the sound resonating in my ear. My instrument playing didn't make it past 8th grade until recently. I now, as an adult, am playing the guitar. I am reminded, each time I play, just how much music meant to me in my younger days. I'm also reminded of how much easier it would have been learning music as a kid.
   As for dance, that's where most of my artistic passion landed. My mom had me in tap when I was a very little girl. Didn't last long unfortunately. I remember my black patton leather tap shoes were carried in a small red Dominoes Pizza duffle bag. When I stopped going to tap class, I remember periodically grabbing that bag and looking at the tap shoes wanting so much to put them on again. I did this for many many years as a child. The red bag and too small tap shoes eventually went away, but still, I loved dance. In the summer of my 7th grade year, I had the spectacular opportunity to participate in a dance camp provided by the Alvin Ailey Amercan Dance Theater, one  of the greatest dance companies on the earth. It was there that my affection for dance was sealed and I knew it would always be a part of my life no matter what. The ability to create and communicate through movement astounded me. Beautiful danceing would, and still does, absolutely bring me to tears. For me, its ethereal. I wasn't, and still am not, always good at expressing myself verbally, so dancing gave me another outlet to do that. There is something about the art of dance that puts me in a complete different head space. Sometimes blood, sweat, and tears are literally left on the stage. There is nothing like.
  So why did God  give me such a love for the arts? I don't know. I have sometimes found myself torn between which artistic skill I should focus on. But each artistic venture has enriched and continues to enrich my life in ways that nothing else can. There is a spiritual connection during the creative process when it is used for good. I thank the Lord for these gifts, because gifts they truly are.
Peace
 

What blog?

Wow! Its really been a long time since I've posted anything. I'll update in the near future. Right now, must go to bed.

Happy Anniversary!!...and the battle of life goes on

November 3, 2009 marks the 5 year anniversary since I've been home from my mission. WOW! How time flies when you are...living life. 6.5 years ago I started my life on an unknown path. I mean, yes, I knew I was going on a mission and was going to Temple Square, yada yada yada. But, spiritually, psychologically, emotionally, I didn't know where I would end up. During my 18 months of service, I found purpose and meaning for my life. I found a love for people that I never knew I had. I developed a confidence and conviction in my faith that couldn't be shaken or stirred by anyone or anything. I was a Stripling Warrioress! And yes, there were some HARD times. The trials didn't stop just because I was on a mission. But, despite the trials, everyday, I woke up knelt in prayer, put on my nylons (now that takes real commitment), and went out there into the world armed with my name tag that bore Christ name, my Book of Mormon, my faith, and the Holy Spirit, ready to fight which ever battle came my way, despite the battle scars and wounds of trials from pre-mission life and some from mission life. Some wounds had healed and some still were open, bleeding, and reluctant to heal, still needing that Balm of Gilead. And though in my mind I had told myself that I had fought a good fight and it was time to go home, when the battle of the mission was actually over, I found myself NOT wanting to return home. The path that I had started on 1.5 years prior had taken me to a place of spiritual, psychological, and emotional strength. I knew that in returning home, the battle was over...but the war was beginning.
Oh what a war this has been. These past 5 years have brought me my highest highs and my lowest lows. I'm constantly fighting between the wills of where I want to be in life and where the Lord would have me to be. Or better yet, fighting to hold my tongue when people comment on where they think you should be in life as opposed to believing that this IS where the Lord would have you to be. Constantly fighting Satan and his cunning ways and influences on my thoughts and actions. Wrestling between selfishness and service. Kicking and punching to fight off the natural man. Daily fighting to retain just a little bit of that spiritual, psychological, and emotion strength that I had built up during those 18 months of service to the Lord. But sometimes the war becomes so intense that those muscles get fatigued and I just want to give up and give in. But knowing that if I do, those muscles will just atrophy. Constantly pushing and pulling at father time between work, family friends, and other interest. All the while still dressing old scars and gaining new ones, some from others, some self imposed. Tossing between the thoughts of "why me" and "why not me". Boy what I wouldn't give to go back to that battle of mission life.
But, it's all a part of life, I know. I know we are sent here to earth to be tested, yada yada yada. Without trials we couldn't progress, blah blah blah. But I tell you what, I will not complain when this war is over and I can chill in peace with my Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ. It will have been worth the fight.

"This Is It"... I don't think so

Oh, boy. I am so excited to see Michael Jackson's "This Is It" film. I got my tickets and I am ready to get my boogie on. I never had the privilege to see him life (we were po' folks, and still are) and I unfortunately never will. So this is as close as I'll get. I know, some may think its stupid, crazy...whatever. But guess what...I DON'T CARE! Call him what you want, this man was a genius as a performer! No other artist has inspired me as an artist more than MJ. Was he perfect, no. Did have issues, yes. But who doesn't. Unfortunately for him, his were displayed and criticized on every tabloid and news magazine show. In the words of my friend Sandra, "don't judge."
You see for me, it started in the womb...no really, it did. I asked my mom if she would play the Jacksons when she was pregnant with me and she did. Actually it started before I was even thought of. She loved the Jacksons and had a crush on Jermaine. You can thank her for my obsession. From the time I was a little girl, it was all about MJ. My mom has childhood photos of me with my MJ t-shirt on. It was no doubt my favorite. I can't think of a time in my life when I wasn't just fascinated by his artistry. Just think about this, any time an MJ song comes on, the only way to dance to that song is to dance like MJ. For you who are reading this, you know as soon as you hear that first beat you immediately want to ATTEMPT to spin and stand on your toes or TRY to moonwalk. Its an inevitable force. Don't deny it! How did he do it? What other artist has that kind of power and influence?
I remember back in the day when his videos would be the "Special Presentation" during primetime TV. It was always an event. We would call our friends and family up to make sure that they were in front of their TV's and tuned in to the right chanel on time because MJ would be on in 5 0r 10 minutes. Nobody talked during the showing of the videos. We would just revel in the moment, watching the master at work. After it was over, the phone would start ringing and there would be discussion of how amazing his new video was. And of course it was the talk of school the next day.
My younger brother and I used to have MJ nights. Sometimes I initiated it, sometimes he did. We would pop in my VHS of his videos and dance and sing the night away. What fun that was.
MJ has always been and will always be a part of my life. No, I don't worship the man, because he was just that, a man. God only! But I will always respect and remember him as someone who made me dance, made me sing, made me want to aspire to be the best at whatever I did, just as he was the best at what he did.
This is not it for MJ. His legacy lives on. He will continue to inspire generations to come and will continue to be the pinnacle that many artist will aspire to. He will continue to be an example of someone who reached beyond the familiarity of his people and embraced people of all races, nationalities, and ethnicities. This is one of the things I loved about MJ the most. You know how some people are really committed to their faith, and they will attest to you "I was born a ___, and I'll die a ____." Well, I attest that I was born an MJ fan, and I'll die an MJ fan. Nuff said.

Sandra, this post is for you! Hope you enjoyed it.

Love,
Ernie

I Choose...

I love music! I am not very good at expressing my own thoughts so a lot of times I find that the words to a song explains them better. A special thanks to India.Arie for these words:

Here I am now looking at 30 and I got so much to say
Gotta get this off of my chest, gotta let it go today
I was always too concerned about what everybody would think
But I can't live for everybody, I gotta live my life for me
I've reached a fork in the road of my life where,
ain't nothing gonna happen unless I decide

I choose, to be the best that I can be
I choose, to be authentic in everything I do
My past don't dictate who I am...
I choose

I done been through some painful things, I thought that I would never make it through
Filled up with shame from the top of my head to the soles of my shoes
I've put myself in so many chaotic circumstances
But by the grace of God I've been given so many second chances

But today I've decided to let it all go
I'm dropping these bags I'm making room for my joy...

Because you never know where life is gonna take ya and you can't change where you've been
So today, I'll take the opportunity to choose
Release the guilt about why things happened the way they did 'cause life is gonna do what it do
So today, I'll take the opportunity to choose

From this day forward I'm going to be exactly who I am
I don't need change the way that I live just to get a man, no
I even had a talk with my mama and I told her the day I'm grown
This day forward every decision that I make will be my own

'Cause I choose...

Maxwells Wise Words - My Random Thoughts

Time will bring the real end of our trial
One there'll be no remnants, no trace, no residual
No feelings within ya
One day you won't remember me

Your face will be the reason I smile
But I will not see what I cannot have forever
I'll always love ya
I hope you feel the same

Hello Blogger World

Well, I've been assimilated into the Blogger Nation. This will be interesting. I warn you. My blogs may cause moments of bafflement, confusion, and brief moments of cognitive interruptions. Huh? What?......
See, its beginning already, isn't it...